The Unique Position of Men Healing from Purity Culture
I’ve worked with so many men who have left high control religion and Purity Culture & are now healing in relationships where they have caused harm to their partners, because they were victims of a system that positioned them as perpetrators.
Purity Culture told men:
Your worth is in your ability to control sexuality.
Your desire is dangerous.
You’re both the threat, & the protection from the threat.
But Purity Culture also told men:
You’re entitled to sex (within marriage).
A good partner will meet your needs.
Your pleasure & experience matter most.
Yes, men were also shamed for wanting sex, but then conditioned to expect it, which positioned them to equate love with control, & call it holy.
Men were playing by the rules they were given without questioning them, and it caused damage, both to them & to their partners.
Most men in PC marriages did not intend to cause harm to their spouse, but the nervous system doesn’t distinguish between intention & impact, so many of the spouse of PC men have symptoms that mirror the experiences of people who experienced SA.
Men were not only conditioned to expect that their spouses would meet their sexual needs - in fact that was their godly, wifely duty.
This left their spouses to experience sex as compulsory, not a choice, so their bodies learned to freeze, to comply, to disconnect from whatever they were truly feeling in order to uphold their holy obligation.
In my decade of work with folks who are recovering from Purity Culture, I can say that hands down, this is one of most confusing & painful dynamics for couples to heal from.
Here is a simple (but not always easy) place to start:
Men - affirm your partner’s “no.” Not with withdrawal, not with defensiveness, but with full honor & trust. Say to them:
“Thank you for trusting me to tell me an honest ‘no.’ I never want you to feel any pressure to say ‘yes’ ever again. You’re never obligated to say yes, or to initiate sex with me. Your no is important to me, because we will only be intimate with each other if there are two real ‘yes’s.”
“Your well-being & your healing are priority to me. If that means no sex right now, or even for a long while, I’m 100% on board with what you need. It may take a while for you to identify true willingness instead of the obligatory willingness that was there for so long. Take as long as you need. I mean that.”
When you do this, you’re not only removing the pressure which kills desire, you’re undoing years of harmful Purity Culture programming for both of you.
You’re rebuilding trust & creating the foundation for genuine intimacy, where yes means YES.